poem/rap: green fields

Written on a train from London to somewhere greener…

These green fields are rollin’ by,

I’ve got Ed Sheeran playing on YouTube – oh my,

This guy can make a dude cry,

But he’s a good guy.

Went to see one of his concerts last night.

It started in the sunlight,

And ended in the moonlight,

People using their phone lights as torch nights,

Making it a starry night,

It was an incredible sight.

90,000 people connected in one moment,

No matter what their plight.

It felt so right.

With my family on Father’s Day,

I feel the future’s lookin’ bright.

A few things are falling into place now,

I reckon it’ll all work out somehow.

There are times I’ve worried that I’ll never settle down,

Constant state of uncertainty letting life pass me by,

Being known as the guy with unfulfilled potential,

But never reached his potential.

Stumbled through his life, didn’t feel that moving out his parents’ home was essential.

But he’s falling asleep as he writes these words,

Last night at Wembley was a late one you know,

Standing up for hours waiting for the show,

We kept edging forward ’till there was nowhere else to go,

How just a regular guy from Suffolk could have so much presence,

I’ll never know.

Self-confidence and laidbackness,

Uniting folks young and old,

No matter their whiteness or blackness.

I was in a trance.

Singing and swaying and nearly doing a dance.

Deep down I know I got a chance,

to have rock-solid self-belief,

Not caring what people think of me.

Not staring back at people looking at me,

Staying in my own bubble,

Just me, me, me.

Maybe that sounds egotistical,

I don’t mean to get statistical.

But those who seem more fulfilled with their lives,

Seem to live true to themselves,

And when it comes to others they don’t give a sh*t about them at all.

And that’s where I’m headin’,

Lord only knows where I’m headin’,

But I’ve got faith it’s somewhere good,

Either way I won’t let it do my head in.

– – – – –

by,

Jas 

✏ 18th June, 2018

poem/rap-song: why i write

I like writing poetry,

It’s not just me,

And there are other things –

I like to sing,

Which some say is the same thing,

A song is just a poem that you sing.

When I write, I feel warm like a light,

Shining on me real bright,

But not too bright ‘cos that hurts my eyes,

A light only I can see and feel,

Hidden in disguise,

A part of me that no one can prise,

Away from me.

Pouring warmth on me all over me,

Helping me process my thoughts and feelings mentally,

Evidently it’s not the answer to everything,

But I realise certain things,

That bulb in my head goes ding,

When I write down words I can sing.

I’ve got a mouth but I don’t always speak,

Thought expressing my feelings would make me weak,

Especially tears and anger and other emotions bleak.

So for a long time I held it all in,

Let nothing leak.

Like a bathtub filling up,

With the plug sealed in,

Everything overflowing again,

Mind spilling over like a dustbin,

Wishing I wasn’t so weak, so shy and so thin.

I’d be able to talk to girls and invite them in,

Not asked by my mum where I’ve ‘bin.

This wounded child,

He’s been hurtin’ for a while,

Hearing the grownups argue saying words that were vile,

But still having to open up his school file,

And file his own emotions away,

Hoping they stayed away,

Whilst his parents argued away,

Distracting himself to keep those feelings at bay.

Getting up to sh*t he shouldn’t do,

Instead of going out to play.

He still feels like a kid inside,

Young and innocent and child-like you’ll find,

Yet mature in certain ways and ever so kind,

But behind those eyes lies this hidden mind,

Full of all sorts of stuff you don’t wanna find.

But opening up he started dealing with it,

Working through it and leaving it all behind,

I think you’ll find you need to be kind to that mind,

That’s why I write.

It’s why I fight myself on the days I don’t wanna write,

Putting pen to paper,

Whether it’s now or later,

Lets me open up some craters,

No space for the haters,

For all I care they can go to the equator,

Burn up and die like Darth Vader.

No room for those invaders,

As bad as those thoughts that stayed here,

Set up camp and played here,

Like a band on stage held a rave here,

Tryna instil me with anxiety and fear.

But the end is near,

In a good way I hear,

I’m being sincere.

Because I write and I fight,

By my bedside I see the light,

Though now it’s night and it’s gettin’ dark,

I’m losing sight, of these words I write.

But I don’t need to see them or read them,

I just need to free them and feel them.

Which is why I’m putting this pen down,

and counting to ten.

– – – – –

Written by,

Jas 

✏ Written: Saturday 14th April, 2018

Sh*t, I’m 29 today.

Sh*t, I’m 29 today. At 7.42am to be precise. I mean, I actually don’t feel so bad about it right now. My feeling on this number seems to fluctuate. There are times when my mind gets thinking about all the things I thought I’d have achieved and the milestones hit by this stage in my life. And then I try to push these thoughts out of my mind – or, better yet, try to be still and tell myself to stop it.

It was only 2 years ago that I turned 27, and I wrote this post. On the one hand, there are some gems in there. On the other, it gives me a headache just looking at it. Years of consuming knowledge all spilled out onto a page. Constantly trying to self-diagnose, to find ‘better’ information, to seek answers to the big questions and somehow come up with this grand-theory-on-life.

How to be happy. What career to do.

The irony is, this constant information-consumption leads to over-thinking and anxiety. A state of paralysis and in-action. I’ve worried so much about what to do with my life work-wise, that I have found myself not working – which itself causes low mood. My identity has become so wrapped up in “work”, that my life used to be unbalanced and key parts of my life neglected. Friendships, family, exercise, sleep.

Even at the gym this evening, I found myself pondering the 5 or 6 projects I’m currently interested in, work-wise. I’m constantly worried about making the right decision, about where to focus, about which ones to choose and which ones not to choose. About what I’m supposed to do.

Fuck it’s exhausting.

It’s really hard for me to let go, and just commit to – and focus on – a couple of those projects. I get this ridiculous FOMO and worry about making the right choice. What the f*ck is the right choice?! Surely there isn’t one. I know this logically, but it’s not easy to untangle myself from this destructive mindset.

Because I spend so much time thinking and worrying, I stop myself from just going with it and enjoying the moment. Living in the present. I have recently gotten back on the Headspace app and I usually do a little meditation whilst sat in the gym jacuzzi after my workout. I incorporate stretching and yoga into my workouts to relax and ease tension in my body – and thus in my mind.

Anything to keep me as still and relaxed and as focused on the present as possible.

I’ve spent so much time reading books and blogs and listening to podcasts, trying to reconcile my life and my work with those free-living freelancers whose stories I have endlessly devoured. I love to learn new things and have always been curious – but all this info-consumption only makes me more anxious.

Not too long ago, I even put myself on a non-fiction diet to stop putting irrelevant information in my head. I wish I could just make a choice and stick with it. And not need reassurance from the stuff I read and the people I see online. Really, it comes down to self-belief and self-confidence. There’s a lightbulb moment right there.

It looks like I’m about to start a job working for a good friend of mine in an exciting business, and I’m feeling good about this for a lot of reasons. But then I ask myself what projects I should be working on on the side – which might potentially become ‘the thing; further down the line. Again, it comes back to those stupid expectations.

I am just trying to be still, to feel rather than think, and to do rather than ruminate. I’m pretty sure that once I start this new job of mine, I’ll largely be kept busy and engaged. So I reckon I’ll have time for just 1 or 2 side-projects, maximum.

And whilst I’m still teetering over which ones to focus on, I am trying to lean into feeling rather than thinking. Both my therapist, and a good friend of mine who is training to be a coach (none other than ‘Girl J’ – remember her?), have asked me to imagine myself how I feel and experience doing the thing I’m pondering over, rather than thinking and ruminating about it.

And that’s what I intend to do from here on in. Less thinking, more feeling. Less ruminating, more doing. Less anxiety about the future, more being in the present.

Happy 29th to me. Perhaps I’m becoming more of an adult after all.

by Jas

✏ Written: Monday 4th June, 2018

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