rap poem: twenty-nine

twenty-nine, it’s almost time,

to settle down, stop fooling around,

head outta the clouds + feet on the ground,

braving the dark without making a sound.

thought i’d be a proper adult by now,

managed to get lost along the way somehow.

still home listening to the parents having a row,

surely I should move out + give ‘em some space about now?

love-hate relationship,

my mate’s relationship,

relationships good and relationships sh*t,

when’s the right time to start your own serious relationship?

one area of my life where there’s been a blip.

dreaming of a family home like on MTV Cribs,

where she calls dibs on the side of the bed,

she rests her feet and puts down her head,

not sure if i’m ready to take that next step.

i feel too selfish,

like i’ve not had enough time to play yet.

back in the day, i’d have been married and settled,

wouldnt’ve had much of a say,

society’s story would’ve gotten in the way.

it was unusual if you did it any other way.

life’s a game, you’ve gotta learn how to play.

hitting those milestones,

isn’t that sh*t ust cray?

sypposed to do this, supposed to do that,

ain’t gonna listen to what i’m told to do,

f*ck that,

gonna listen to who I wanna listen to,

Take That.

say the right things when it’s easier to just say them,

fake that.

i’m one year away from thorty,

not close to being married – but I ain’t hurtin’,

this generation of ours, we’re all going through the same thing,

swiping life, right, everywhere – we’ve forgotten how to be flirty.

here’s the truth,

i ain’t bulletproof,

i’m affected by the opinions of others too.

but I won’t let them rule me,

if you don’t like what I’ve gotta say,

try ‘n’ sue me.

i’m twenty nine, and you now what?

i’m feeling just fine.

you go live your life, and i’ll live mine.

there’s no point wasting each other’s time.

– – – – –

by,

Jas

poem/rap: green fields

Written on a train from London to somewhere greener…

These green fields are rollin’ by,

I’ve got Ed Sheeran playing on YouTube – oh my,

This guy can make a dude cry,

But he’s a good guy.

Went to see one of his concerts last night.

It started in the sunlight,

And ended in the moonlight,

People using their phone lights as torch nights,

Making it a starry night,

It was an incredible sight.

90,000 people connected in one moment,

No matter what their plight.

It felt so right.

With my family on Father’s Day,

I feel the future’s lookin’ bright.

A few things are falling into place now,

I reckon it’ll all work out somehow.

There are times I’ve worried that I’ll never settle down,

Constant state of uncertainty letting life pass me by,

Being known as the guy with unfulfilled potential,

But never reached his potential.

Stumbled through his life, didn’t feel that moving out his parents’ home was essential.

But he’s falling asleep as he writes these words,

Last night at Wembley was a late one you know,

Standing up for hours waiting for the show,

We kept edging forward ’till there was nowhere else to go,

How just a regular guy from Suffolk could have so much presence,

I’ll never know.

Self-confidence and laidbackness,

Uniting folks young and old,

No matter their whiteness or blackness.

I was in a trance.

Singing and swaying and nearly doing a dance.

Deep down I know I got a chance,

to have rock-solid self-belief,

Not caring what people think of me.

Not staring back at people looking at me,

Staying in my own bubble,

Just me, me, me.

Maybe that sounds egotistical,

I don’t mean to get statistical.

But those who seem more fulfilled with their lives,

Seem to live true to themselves,

And when it comes to others they don’t give a sh*t about them at all.

And that’s where I’m headin’,

Lord only knows where I’m headin’,

But I’ve got faith it’s somewhere good,

Either way I won’t let it do my head in.

– – – – –

by,

Jas 

✏ 18th June, 2018

Sh*t, I’m 29 today.

Sh*t, I’m 29 today. At 7.42am to be precise. I mean, I actually don’t feel so bad about it right now. My feeling on this number seems to fluctuate. There are times when my mind gets thinking about all the things I thought I’d have achieved and the milestones hit by this stage in my life. And then I try to push these thoughts out of my mind – or, better yet, try to be still and tell myself to stop it.

It was only 2 years ago that I turned 27, and I wrote this post. On the one hand, there are some gems in there. On the other, it gives me a headache just looking at it. Years of consuming knowledge all spilled out onto a page. Constantly trying to self-diagnose, to find ‘better’ information, to seek answers to the big questions and somehow come up with this grand-theory-on-life.

How to be happy. What career to do.

The irony is, this constant information-consumption leads to over-thinking and anxiety. A state of paralysis and in-action. I’ve worried so much about what to do with my life work-wise, that I have found myself not working – which itself causes low mood. My identity has become so wrapped up in “work”, that my life used to be unbalanced and key parts of my life neglected. Friendships, family, exercise, sleep.

Even at the gym this evening, I found myself pondering the 5 or 6 projects I’m currently interested in, work-wise. I’m constantly worried about making the right decision, about where to focus, about which ones to choose and which ones not to choose. About what I’m supposed to do.

Fuck it’s exhausting.

It’s really hard for me to let go, and just commit to – and focus on – a couple of those projects. I get this ridiculous FOMO and worry about making the right choice. What the f*ck is the right choice?! Surely there isn’t one. I know this logically, but it’s not easy to untangle myself from this destructive mindset.

Because I spend so much time thinking and worrying, I stop myself from just going with it and enjoying the moment. Living in the present. I have recently gotten back on the Headspace app and I usually do a little meditation whilst sat in the gym jacuzzi after my workout. I incorporate stretching and yoga into my workouts to relax and ease tension in my body – and thus in my mind.

Anything to keep me as still and relaxed and as focused on the present as possible.

I’ve spent so much time reading books and blogs and listening to podcasts, trying to reconcile my life and my work with those free-living freelancers whose stories I have endlessly devoured. I love to learn new things and have always been curious – but all this info-consumption only makes me more anxious.

Not too long ago, I even put myself on a non-fiction diet to stop putting irrelevant information in my head. I wish I could just make a choice and stick with it. And not need reassurance from the stuff I read and the people I see online. Really, it comes down to self-belief and self-confidence. There’s a lightbulb moment right there.

It looks like I’m about to start a job working for a good friend of mine in an exciting business, and I’m feeling good about this for a lot of reasons. But then I ask myself what projects I should be working on on the side – which might potentially become ‘the thing; further down the line. Again, it comes back to those stupid expectations.

I am just trying to be still, to feel rather than think, and to do rather than ruminate. I’m pretty sure that once I start this new job of mine, I’ll largely be kept busy and engaged. So I reckon I’ll have time for just 1 or 2 side-projects, maximum.

And whilst I’m still teetering over which ones to focus on, I am trying to lean into feeling rather than thinking. Both my therapist, and a good friend of mine who is training to be a coach (none other than ‘Girl J’ – remember her?), have asked me to imagine myself how I feel and experience doing the thing I’m pondering over, rather than thinking and ruminating about it.

And that’s what I intend to do from here on in. Less thinking, more feeling. Less ruminating, more doing. Less anxiety about the future, more being in the present.

Happy 29th to me. Perhaps I’m becoming more of an adult after all.

by Jas

✏ Written: Monday 4th June, 2018

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