I recently had a fun evening with my parents. I got home, blogged about it, and I felt really good. As often happens when I interact with others, especially with those I like and feel comfortable/safe with, I felt energetic and lifted. For me, interacting is all about the quality (a theme my therapist nicely described/identified); don’t get me wrong, interactions with my parents don’t always feel so delightful(!), but cinema-evening sure was a good one. As a result, I felt energetic and uplifted. And in the mood for interacting.
In the moment, I considered something I hadn’t considered in a while. Hmm, I wonder if Friend P is at the gym and working out tomorrow… (he happens to work at the gym, too). Tomorrow morning, I’ll message him and find out. I generally prefer to work out alone, but at that moment, I felt in the mood to hang out with Friend P. I think he’d gotten used to my being fairly reserved and in my own space – and admittedly, I’ve even sometimes gone to the gym a little later in the day, when I know his shift has finished. My social anxiety at work methinks, and the whole lack of self-esteem/confidence around my current ‘work situation’ (or lack thereof). Only a few months back, I’d told him about my plans to work in sport – and I now felt really foolish and embarrassed and a failure for having changed direction, AGAIN. Anyhow, I went to bed feeling good at the potential prospect of a workout buddy tomorrow.
A few hours later, I woke up. And guess what, I was not feeling the idea of working out with Friend P, or anyone at all. What happened?! This wouldn’t be the first time. I’d previously arranged calls for the next day, only to then get busy/wrapped up in my own stuff, and/or just not feeling in the mood to talk.
When I was working in sales, I used to be a mixture of energised/exhausted at the end of each day; long days of interaction, where I’d been “warmed up” to such an extent that I wasn’t feeling socially anxious. Yet, EVERY day without fail, I’d wake up and go into work, and then feel those nerves when it came to picking up the phone or attending my first meeting. Every single time.
My theory is that my nerves/social anxiety are most prevalent first thing in the morning, early on in the day. Especially when I spend a whole morning on my own, as is not uncommon these days. (That said – at time of publishing – I’ve gotten myself to the gym in the morning, and this tends to be a useful start to the day). I progress through the day, and so long as I get myself out of the house – and especially if I interact in some way, the nerves slowly wear away. The longer I leave it without socialising, the more heightened my nerves and social anxiety become, and the more difficult it then becomes to break out of the cycle and talk / do things with others.
It just still amazed me at how I can be in such a different mood one moment, and then in a completely different mood the next. (This happened just this week, when I went speed-dating on Tuesday night. I swear the evening’s socialising has generated momentum for the rest of the week).
One thing did come out of my post-evening good mood, though. I messaged Girl J and told her that I have a free pass to visit Kew Gardens, if she ever wanted to come along – she’d previously mentioned she’d been there before, but not in a while.
“Aww, thaaanks!” followed by “I’m gonna take you up on that offer 🙊🙊😀😀😀”.
Update: Since the above, I also told Girl J that I was going speed-dating, as we’d discussed it before and she’s actually been to the speed-dating event I went to a few times. She expressed surprise (and possible disappointment?) that I was now open to other girls, outside of our religion. Interesting.
✏ Written: Friday, 2nd March 2018 @ 10.03am
What about you? 🤷🏽♂️
Does your mood fluctuate between the morning and evening? Or in general? I fluctuate between social anxiety and being sociable, it’s *so strange*… 💙