What better time to write my very first post than on Valentine’s Day (edit: or, technically, an hour after). The day of love.
Confession: so far the only Valentine’s card I’ve received is from my Mum. In year 6 (or year 5 – it was definitely at primary school anyway), 2 guys in my class, Alex and Joe, ‘asked out’ two girls in the class on the coach on a school-trip home. Year 6. Primary school. I’ve had no girlfriend. #fml (In case you’re wondering, the girls exchanged awkward/excited glances and said yes. The boys exclaimed “Yes!” and high-fived. Or hugged. I can’t remember, it was a long time ago).
This year, mum spared me the card embarrassment. Strangely, I’ve felt OK this Valentine’s Day. Not that I’ve been overly fussed in the past. I guess I’ve just gotten used to it being like any other year.
There’s this girl. Let’s call her Girl J. Girl J was introduced by a mutual friend a couple of years ago, we dated a couple of times, and then I ghosted her for a bit, not the first time I’ve done this (#notproud), but I had a better excuse this time – I had a bit of a breakdown. Not long after, she ended up going away travelling for a bit. I emailed her to apologise about disappearing off the face of the earth, and she was really understanding. She appreciated me opening up and it turns out she’d gone away to work on some of her own stuff too.
Anyway… she got back to the UK during last Summer and we’ve kept in touch a fair bit on Whatsapp, and also met up a couple of times – one-on-one and with others. As a “friends” kind of vibe. But it feels like there’s something there.
I’m pretty sure I’m getting vibes off her. I think. Even though I’m normally sh*t at picking up on signals, and when I like someone I tend to go from nonchalant to bite-the-bullet over-the-top in love (sending poems – the works), this feels a bit different. Good different. I think I’m just enjoying getting to know someone over time, without any pressure.
Anyway, as part of today’s Whatsapp banter we wished each other a Happy Valentine’s Day, and I event sent a sunflower emoji. I know, hardcore right? I like sunflowers, they make me think of summer and sunshine, and I like it’s uniqueness vs the classic, boring red rose.
Anyway, she like it and mentioned in a giggly, emoji-ing whatsappy way that that was the only flower she’d be getting today. Coupled with some previous banter (e.g.1 the time when she mentioned she’d gone on a date recently #SheMentionedDating, e.g.2 when a group of us were drawing side-profiles of our backsides and she drew a generous for one #SheCheckedOutMyAss), I took this as a sign. Maybe even a hint.
The previous day I’d actually been thinking about sending her something. A flower in the post? Too full-on. A poem in the post? Hmm, maybe. But it would have to be to her work address, as I don’t know her home address. Too full-on. A poem by email? Erm, aren’t you being over-the-top and getting carried away as usual, mate?
But her saying she wouldn’t get any flowers gave me the nudge I needed. It felt like a sign. If anything, my note would make her smile, right?
In dramatic fashion, I stopped in the middle of making lunch and went upstairs. To the toilet. Sat on the toilet (not so romantic) I started to compose a poem (romantic).
I decided to email her a little poem of encouragement, as I know she’s been trying to figure out some stuff lately – being vague enough to hide my identity, but cute enough (I thought) fo her to appreciate the gesture and smile when she read it.
I googled “send anonymous email” and did a test send to myself from the first link. I refreshed my inbox a few times. Nothing. The second link worked a treat though. I pasted the note and poem and filled out the fields. I pressed send.
Gone. Into the ether. Hold up, did I double-check that I’d typed her email in correctly? It’s one of those emails with dots in it… should I re-send to make sure? Hmm, a bit keen maybe. (I think I might have even tried to quickly re-send to make sure, but I had to wait 2 minutes to send another anonymous email using the tool).
If it’s meant to be, it’ll have got to her.
Who knows what’ll happen with Girl J further down the line, and (assuming she received it), whether she’ll even find out the Valentine’s note was from me.
This chapter is definitely tbc.
God, this already feels like I’m writing a teenage girl’s diary.
✏️ Written: Thursday, February 15th 2018 @ 1.00am